my computer broke and i only just got it back :(

im going to try catch up on all your blogs now!

its been hard without you guys! but i have been doing alright

x

?

i need your advise!

tomorrow i HAVE to go out to dinner with my dad.

i am pissed because a) i hate my dad and b) it totally ruins my plan to fast today, tomorrow and thursday.

so im not sure if i should continue my fast till dinner tomorrow or tomorrow eat minimally to try get my metabolism up before dinner.

like a kiwifruit for breakfast
and a piece of fruit for lunch?


we will hopefully get sushi so i can get away with not eating much.
chew and spit. hiding food if i have to.

but i will have to eat alittle bit which would break my fast :(


ahh dont know what i should do?!


on a happier note i went for the most amazing run this morning :)
and my fast is goin well

hope you are all doing well

xx

today

1kiwifruit
coffee
2 crackers

just before i had to have a banana because i had to take a painkiller which needs to be taken after a meal.

no more food today

nothing tomorrow

:)

i keep breaking in random bursts of laughter when i remeber something stupid i did on saturday night.

i remember dancing to good girls go bad and lets just say i will never think of that song the same again.

haha




x

fml

i hate it when you wake up in the morning thinking "wow that was an amazing night"
but it turns out you did some stupid things you just cant remember.

...

today.
1 kiwifruit
coffee
half an orange.

i am now off to work.
coffee
small salad

x

today

Today.
1 Kiwifruit
Coffee
walk 30 mins to school
rice crackers 45 cal
Intense 60 min Spin class
half a orange
walk to my friends before walking home over an hour.

2 pieces of gum
a fuckload of water


and now im off to have a green tea before a little more homework and bed

x

...

so i thought i should fill you guys in on my life.

well as you know my dad was abusive.
i lived with my mum who is addicted to pot and alcohol. but lovely and the best mum.

and yea i was always tall for my age and really really skinny.
when i hit puberty i suddenly put on heaps of weight. i was used to eating whatever i wanted and being tiny. it didn't really bother me but my everytime i saw my dad he would say "look how fat you are getting" or "look at those rolls" infront of people. all the time.

i was 12 when i started not eating. it started off just no breakfast, then no lunch aswell, then little or no dinner. my mum didn't notice. my dad didn't notice. but my friends did. everyone kept commenting on my eating.

it went on for just under a year. then one friend came up to me saying why are you doing this. instead of my usual denial i broke down and told her everything about my dad and all this stuff.

i got abit better but i was still losing weight and i was 36kgs and quite tall (dont know my exact height).

my mum made me go to a conselor and yea i got help and all that shit.
it was hard at first. everyone watching but because i was sick i thought i could eat whatever i wanted.

i always struggled. hated my body.

now here i am. back here again.
17.
really hate my body.
way heavier.
59kgs.

but i know what i want. and this time im not going to let someone elses opinion of whats "Healthy" stop me.

x

realisation

im only 5kgs lighter than when i started this blog.

forever ago.

its not good enouugh!

periods of fasting and losing so much weight.

periods of uncontrolable binges.

they have added up.




i NEED to lose weight.

no more binges.



the rest of this week i am going to restrict. around 300 cals.

i have always had trouble restricting because at around 8pm i binge.


fuck.

i need to stop worrying about other things that i can't control.

Fast Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.
under 500 cals Wednesday.
Fast thursday.

I also need to blog more. it really helps.

so i am going to update everyday.






It is never too late to be what you might have been.
x

...

i ate way to much on saturday.

then got a vomiting bug and was vomiting all the rest of saturday and half of sunday.


my throat feels so bruised now.

and my stomach so empty ...




obviously the universe doesn't want me to eat.

....

wow

i just realised that i actually forgot to eat from saturday night till this afternoon (thursday).
not quite forgot but just was to distracted. it never crossed my mind.

all because of a boy. haha



hes going away this weekend. but said to me that he wishes he wasn't so he could see me again.

i drove myself crazy overthinking everything that happened/ could happen since we got together sat night.

this is like the biggest deal for me because i am the most comitment phobic 17 year old out.

i usually have casual things/ one nighters with guys.

im already freaking out that this is turning into something more

iguess it is because of the shit that happened with my dad....

i dont trust people and i know that guys only want one thing.



and also everything im with a guy. when i think about it when i wake up. i freak out. i get flashbacks about my dad. i feel so dirty no matter how good and comfortable i felt at the time.

i get so sad everytime. and i cant tell anyone.




i guess im scarred that he will realise how fucked up i am :(





so yea i have been so confused. but i am going to take control. forget about him (till i see him next). play it cool. if he wants me hes going to have to work for it. wont eat. look fucking amazing when i see him.


love all you girls,
your comments and support.
x

...

only a coffee today.

still confused.

x

...

sorry for never posting haha

last weekend was the one of the biggest partys of the year.
my whole school had been talking bot it for ages!!!
their was 650 tickets sold!

i had a really good time but very confused lol as usual!

at the beginning i was just dancing and drinking and stuff the somehow got with this guy (S). he friends with my friends and ive seen him around heaps and yea .... but dunno how i ended up getting with him.

then i went off to dance with my friends (more alcohol). then i went to go to the toliet and found a good friend crying. turns out that my good friend (L) had been taken to hospital because she had taken 3 pills and alot of alcohol. so i was really sad and what made it worse was that all my friends (apart from that one girl) didnt really care and was like she will be fine and dragged me off to dance again.

i tried to dance but didnt really feel like it and walked off somewhere and bumped into S. told him what had happend and he was so nice like talking to him bot it and then he was just holding me.

and then he was like come on lets go somewhere more private and yea i knew what he wanted but went with him anyway and yea stuff happpened.

he made sure i got home safely and txtd me in the morning.

but yea im just so confused because dont know if it was a one night thing but then why would he spend all night with me and take me home and shit. Argh!

and then he stayed at my friends house and were talking about who they got with and he didn't say anything about me so my friend was shocked when she found out i had gotten with him. is that cause he knew i was friends with them and would have been akward or ....?

btw my friend is alg so thats good.

i havent had anything to eat today only 2 coffees so thats good i guess.

x