fuck.
pizza for dinner.
didn't eat any though.

my whole family was here.
i went for a run and had a long shower to avoid the pizza. ew.
sat down in the lounge with a piece of wholegrain bread and two egg whites.
my great aunty said "whats that? skinny food?" haha she cracks me up.
but then my (overweight like nearly obese) cousin says "yea you skinny"
wtf! just because i don't want to poison my body! ahhh

but anyway i avoided the pizza and just wanted to let you guys know that this week has been binge free! no ice cream, chips, chocolate!
it hasn't been always low intakes but no binges. just controled and healthy.


thats kinda keeping me going
but we will see how tomorrow goes ( mystepsisters birthday party) fml
x

white nail polish

clean, pure ... empty

x

after my last post i talked to my best friend about my mum and stepdad.
it felt really good to talk to someone but she didn't really understand.
where as those three comments, all were in someway just what i needed to hear. thank you.

im going to my friends cocktails tonight. a mini going away party. im going to miss her so much.
but dinner is provided. fuck.
its a bbq though which is kinda good i guess as i don't eat sausages or bread or chips. so there won't be much i have to resist, right?
mm well i was thinking of taking a fruit plater so i will have something i actually can eat.
yum strawberries, watermelon and pinapple.
what more could a girl want? haha other than cocktails.
uh alcohol cals.

my fast went well yesterday.
and i am feeling strong (food wise)
i had abit of watermelon for breakfast
thinking a small salad for lunch
and as little as i can get away with at my friends.

i only slept from 3am till 6am lastnight.
im feeling like im falling apart.
but it doesn't count unless people realise right?
fake it till you make it. ha.
im off to go shopping.
spend my money from work.
alil retail therapy.
and i will walk an hour to the shops so getting in some exercise

x

Wow and just when I thought life couldn't get anymore fucked up

Today was a good day. I was determined to pick myself up and what better way than to fast.
It was easy. Something to focus on. Something I could control.
Thank you leak and *PRINCESS*SMILE* for you comments they were truely moving and helpful.
I wasn't feeling better but you gave me hope and made me want to try.
I sucessfuly fasted and my day was good, not amazing but definately better.

But I just came home from work. To my mum yelling at my stepdad.
Ok I thought just the usual. Money. Or my mum drinking too much.
But no. My stepdad has been cheating on my mum.
Oh and let's no forget the heroin.
Sure i'm used too drugs and alcohol in the house.
My mum is boarder line alcoholic and smokes weed everyday.
But my stepdad doing heroin.
What the fuck.

No wonder I'm so fucked up

Sometimes

i have so much to say but the right words just aren't coming out.

wasn't it like two posts ago i was talking about new beginnings and a new me, yet i go and do what i always do. get drunk and fuck things up. lovely.

Sometimes i can't believe this is my life. i don't know how i got here. how did i get to be the drunk bitch full of jelousy making her best friend miserable?

i can't even be bothered writing all the shit i caused on saturday night.

but i will tell you how it ended (after all the shit)
i was at this party and most people had left, but i was still off my face.
a guy i had talked to abit told me he was going for a walk and i joined him.
we ran to the beach. and talked abit more.
the view was amazing. lights of the city reflecting on the sea. and had this strange convo about how i was sad cause you couldn't see the stars and he said it didn't matter as the sea was best. but i disagreed. and we were talking about the stars and the sea. can't really remember how the convo went though.
and we went and sat on a rock. i stood up and started taking my clothes off and said lets go swimming ( typical slutty me) and he was like i have a girlfriend. woops.
but no it was a lovely time. we spent two or three hours talking about random stuff like what he wanted to be and our happiest memories etc.
when we walked home he said to me "you still haven't told me why your dad is an asshole" (i must have mentioned him when i was drunk). so i told him " my dad was abusive emotionally, physicaly and sexually".
it def caught him off guard. he pulled the usual wow you are so stong now and you know getting drunk and blah blah isn't the way to deal.
i really hate it when people say this.
and then he took me to his house and let me sleep in his bed as i had no way of getting home or where i was.

i was fine until i got home in the morning and i realised he is the first guy i have EVER told. i got really depressed. angry at myself for all the shit i caused, hating who i have become and sadned by the past that was brought up and sad that i told a random guy who i might never see again.

i didn't leave my bed for a day and a half. finally dragged myself out of bed today.

i need a reason to get up and keep trying, keep breathing but i haven't found one yet. I don't mean friends or family or a boyfriend. i mean what do i want to do with my life, accomplish. what do i want. all me. i don't want to live for anyone else.

Sometimes the past is too much and seems too hard. and i don't know what to do?
how do you get over abuse? can you get over it or do you just learn to deal with it?
because i don't think i can deal with it anymore, i need to get over it. it is always in the back of your mind. a part of you. the reason why you do everything you do. insecure, quiet, full of fear, acting slutty, numbing yourself with alcohol, drugs, anything to help you deal with daily shit.

because no one cares and that is all you really want. someone who loves you for who you are.

if you've read this far you probably know more about me then most of my friends
so ..

This is me. all 169 cm, 56 kg, fucked up, me.

i've been doing alright but im dying to fast!
it always puts me back on track and makes me feel good and ... empty. ha.

yesterday i went out to dinner with my friends. it went alright and i got away with one piece of chicken pizza. which im pretty proud i only ate one piece because it actually tasted really good.

tonight im going out to dinner with my dad. completely not looking forward to this as ... well i hate my dad.
friday night im working and i have a salad there
and saturday night my friend is having a party. i might fast saturday but probably not.
but definately fast sunday and monday.
and then working again on tuesday.

i've also got to get back in to my exercising routine. its been hard after i've been away.
ok well im off to read your blogs then off to dinner, uh. atleast the sight of my dad will make me want to vomit and definatly not eat much
much love
x

i just got back from holiday .. again
it was a really nice time. really relaxing.
i fasted two days before i left.
but eating didn't go so well when i was away.
first three days i wanted to cry after being forced to eat take aways and going out on the second night nearly caused a break down.
after that i kinda gave up on eating as little as possible. it was too dramatic and causing to much pain for my friends.
looking back i feel disgusted in myself and how easily i gave up.
but now im home im going to try harder.

im feeling pretty happy at the moment though.
im trying to be a more optimistic, happy person.
trying to live life to the full.
a few days ago i went to big day out( a music festival which lasts from like 10am to 11:30pm) and it was amazing. can't stop smiling now.

hope everyone is alright
x