fuck.
pizza for dinner.
didn't eat any though.

my whole family was here.
i went for a run and had a long shower to avoid the pizza. ew.
sat down in the lounge with a piece of wholegrain bread and two egg whites.
my great aunty said "whats that? skinny food?" haha she cracks me up.
but then my (overweight like nearly obese) cousin says "yea you skinny"
wtf! just because i don't want to poison my body! ahhh

but anyway i avoided the pizza and just wanted to let you guys know that this week has been binge free! no ice cream, chips, chocolate!
it hasn't been always low intakes but no binges. just controled and healthy.


thats kinda keeping me going
but we will see how tomorrow goes ( mystepsisters birthday party) fml
x

white nail polish

clean, pure ... empty

x

after my last post i talked to my best friend about my mum and stepdad.
it felt really good to talk to someone but she didn't really understand.
where as those three comments, all were in someway just what i needed to hear. thank you.

im going to my friends cocktails tonight. a mini going away party. im going to miss her so much.
but dinner is provided. fuck.
its a bbq though which is kinda good i guess as i don't eat sausages or bread or chips. so there won't be much i have to resist, right?
mm well i was thinking of taking a fruit plater so i will have something i actually can eat.
yum strawberries, watermelon and pinapple.
what more could a girl want? haha other than cocktails.
uh alcohol cals.

my fast went well yesterday.
and i am feeling strong (food wise)
i had abit of watermelon for breakfast
thinking a small salad for lunch
and as little as i can get away with at my friends.

i only slept from 3am till 6am lastnight.
im feeling like im falling apart.
but it doesn't count unless people realise right?
fake it till you make it. ha.
im off to go shopping.
spend my money from work.
alil retail therapy.
and i will walk an hour to the shops so getting in some exercise

x

Wow and just when I thought life couldn't get anymore fucked up

Today was a good day. I was determined to pick myself up and what better way than to fast.
It was easy. Something to focus on. Something I could control.
Thank you leak and *PRINCESS*SMILE* for you comments they were truely moving and helpful.
I wasn't feeling better but you gave me hope and made me want to try.
I sucessfuly fasted and my day was good, not amazing but definately better.

But I just came home from work. To my mum yelling at my stepdad.
Ok I thought just the usual. Money. Or my mum drinking too much.
But no. My stepdad has been cheating on my mum.
Oh and let's no forget the heroin.
Sure i'm used too drugs and alcohol in the house.
My mum is boarder line alcoholic and smokes weed everyday.
But my stepdad doing heroin.
What the fuck.

No wonder I'm so fucked up

Sometimes

i have so much to say but the right words just aren't coming out.

wasn't it like two posts ago i was talking about new beginnings and a new me, yet i go and do what i always do. get drunk and fuck things up. lovely.

Sometimes i can't believe this is my life. i don't know how i got here. how did i get to be the drunk bitch full of jelousy making her best friend miserable?

i can't even be bothered writing all the shit i caused on saturday night.

but i will tell you how it ended (after all the shit)
i was at this party and most people had left, but i was still off my face.
a guy i had talked to abit told me he was going for a walk and i joined him.
we ran to the beach. and talked abit more.
the view was amazing. lights of the city reflecting on the sea. and had this strange convo about how i was sad cause you couldn't see the stars and he said it didn't matter as the sea was best. but i disagreed. and we were talking about the stars and the sea. can't really remember how the convo went though.
and we went and sat on a rock. i stood up and started taking my clothes off and said lets go swimming ( typical slutty me) and he was like i have a girlfriend. woops.
but no it was a lovely time. we spent two or three hours talking about random stuff like what he wanted to be and our happiest memories etc.
when we walked home he said to me "you still haven't told me why your dad is an asshole" (i must have mentioned him when i was drunk). so i told him " my dad was abusive emotionally, physicaly and sexually".
it def caught him off guard. he pulled the usual wow you are so stong now and you know getting drunk and blah blah isn't the way to deal.
i really hate it when people say this.
and then he took me to his house and let me sleep in his bed as i had no way of getting home or where i was.

i was fine until i got home in the morning and i realised he is the first guy i have EVER told. i got really depressed. angry at myself for all the shit i caused, hating who i have become and sadned by the past that was brought up and sad that i told a random guy who i might never see again.

i didn't leave my bed for a day and a half. finally dragged myself out of bed today.

i need a reason to get up and keep trying, keep breathing but i haven't found one yet. I don't mean friends or family or a boyfriend. i mean what do i want to do with my life, accomplish. what do i want. all me. i don't want to live for anyone else.

Sometimes the past is too much and seems too hard. and i don't know what to do?
how do you get over abuse? can you get over it or do you just learn to deal with it?
because i don't think i can deal with it anymore, i need to get over it. it is always in the back of your mind. a part of you. the reason why you do everything you do. insecure, quiet, full of fear, acting slutty, numbing yourself with alcohol, drugs, anything to help you deal with daily shit.

because no one cares and that is all you really want. someone who loves you for who you are.

if you've read this far you probably know more about me then most of my friends
so ..

This is me. all 169 cm, 56 kg, fucked up, me.

i've been doing alright but im dying to fast!
it always puts me back on track and makes me feel good and ... empty. ha.

yesterday i went out to dinner with my friends. it went alright and i got away with one piece of chicken pizza. which im pretty proud i only ate one piece because it actually tasted really good.

tonight im going out to dinner with my dad. completely not looking forward to this as ... well i hate my dad.
friday night im working and i have a salad there
and saturday night my friend is having a party. i might fast saturday but probably not.
but definately fast sunday and monday.
and then working again on tuesday.

i've also got to get back in to my exercising routine. its been hard after i've been away.
ok well im off to read your blogs then off to dinner, uh. atleast the sight of my dad will make me want to vomit and definatly not eat much
much love
x

i just got back from holiday .. again
it was a really nice time. really relaxing.
i fasted two days before i left.
but eating didn't go so well when i was away.
first three days i wanted to cry after being forced to eat take aways and going out on the second night nearly caused a break down.
after that i kinda gave up on eating as little as possible. it was too dramatic and causing to much pain for my friends.
looking back i feel disgusted in myself and how easily i gave up.
but now im home im going to try harder.

im feeling pretty happy at the moment though.
im trying to be a more optimistic, happy person.
trying to live life to the full.
a few days ago i went to big day out( a music festival which lasts from like 10am to 11:30pm) and it was amazing. can't stop smiling now.

hope everyone is alright
x

New Year, New Decade, New Me

Sorry for not posting for like a month.


trust me i have wanted to.


but i have been away from a computer or just unable to explain everything thats happened.


to put my thoughts in words.


im sure you've probably noticed im not that good with words. it never seems to come out fully or properly.





anyway, its summer where i live and i love summer!


i've been at the beach, with my friends or partying.


i'll try fill you guys in on what i've been up to.


i went away to a beach with like 15 good friends and we had the place to ourselves.

we would just go to the beach or in the spa, or read magazines all day long.

music was constantly turned up loud and we would all just walk around and dance in our togs.

i was having the most amazing time but still felt fat.

i wouldn't eat much during the day but usually end up binging.

i worried about the alcohol cals aswell since we started drinking a few hours after we woke up.

i purged alot. which i don't normally do. i would just go into one of the bathrooms and throw everything up. i was usually drunk so it came up very easy. and the music was loud so no one noticed.

on the first night i was feeling pretty depressed but was faking having a good time.

my best friend (who is the always happy, never depressed or complaining type) locked me in the bathroom with her and said "you're looking really skinny... and i know you think its good but its not". But she was so drunk i doubt she remembered saying it or even meaning it at the time. because then she began to break down, crying her eyes out. i have been best friends with her for 5 years now and i have never seen her like this before. in a selfish way im glad she was upset. i always depend on her and shes always so strong i wondered if she needed me as much as i needed her. but the she started vomiting and comed on the bathroom floor. so i spent the rest of the night looking after her.

the rest of my time there was better. the purging happened less often although it did happen atleast once a day.



i then went home again and for some reason got really depressed. wouldn't leave my room or my bed.



that eventually passed and was about a week to christmas. i began to eat quite alot more than i usually do. but also spent most of my time shopping which was nice. and quite a few parties haha



christmas was good. lots of champagne and some food (more than i would like but im glad because i didn't binge).



boxing day i finally go my ass into gear! got myself out of 'normal' eating mode. went shopping and brought some amazing clothes!

then a two day fast before i went away to another beach.



i stayed there with 6 of my best friends for 6 days. i didnt eat much. the smallest bowl of musli for breakfast and a small salad with something around 3 or 4 as my dinner and lunch. plus a fuck load of alcohol.
it was very easy to get away with not eating much.
and we walked everywhere and swam alot.

apart from one of my close friend noticed and was worrying. one day around 1pm i started shaking and felt incredibly dizzy. we were about to go out but i quickly made myself a salad and said i had to sit down and they could go. they waited though. i could barely lift the fork to my mouth. i was so scared and having a little freak out. she helped me but was like "you need to eat more". i brushed it off with what do you mean? and im just not hungry and its the heat etc...

on our last night i was like man im so hungry knowing that there was no food left to eat anyway and she kept slipping in little comments like "thats a first"



new years was pretty good. drunk way too much though. and in my incredibly drunken state i thought it was smart to shove my fingers down my throat and make myself vomit even though i hadnt eaten since breakfast. there were 30,000 people where i was for new years on the beach haha and i met i nice boy (amazing body) but he lives on the otherside of the country from me ohwell.



when i got home a few days ago my mum was like wow you're looking so thin, i brushed it off with really? i eat heaps of fast food when i was away thought, must have been all the walking.

my stepdads mum also said the same thing but i didn't really believe them.

but when i went back to work for a night my boss was like you've lost alot of weight.
it kinda caught me off guard but i bullshited about how id been eating heaps! and he was like good, i thought you looked malnourished!
wow malnourished haha it made me very happy, in a sick way.

anyway thats the basically what i've been up to.
im going away again to the beach tomorrow.
with the to friends i mentioned earlier (who 'worry' about my eating).
so it should be fun

any advise to stop their worrying?
or il just continue my excuses for not eating.

love and have missed you all!
hope your new year is going good.
this years going to be better, i can tell
x