New Year, New Decade, New Me

Sorry for not posting for like a month.


trust me i have wanted to.


but i have been away from a computer or just unable to explain everything thats happened.


to put my thoughts in words.


im sure you've probably noticed im not that good with words. it never seems to come out fully or properly.





anyway, its summer where i live and i love summer!


i've been at the beach, with my friends or partying.


i'll try fill you guys in on what i've been up to.


i went away to a beach with like 15 good friends and we had the place to ourselves.

we would just go to the beach or in the spa, or read magazines all day long.

music was constantly turned up loud and we would all just walk around and dance in our togs.

i was having the most amazing time but still felt fat.

i wouldn't eat much during the day but usually end up binging.

i worried about the alcohol cals aswell since we started drinking a few hours after we woke up.

i purged alot. which i don't normally do. i would just go into one of the bathrooms and throw everything up. i was usually drunk so it came up very easy. and the music was loud so no one noticed.

on the first night i was feeling pretty depressed but was faking having a good time.

my best friend (who is the always happy, never depressed or complaining type) locked me in the bathroom with her and said "you're looking really skinny... and i know you think its good but its not". But she was so drunk i doubt she remembered saying it or even meaning it at the time. because then she began to break down, crying her eyes out. i have been best friends with her for 5 years now and i have never seen her like this before. in a selfish way im glad she was upset. i always depend on her and shes always so strong i wondered if she needed me as much as i needed her. but the she started vomiting and comed on the bathroom floor. so i spent the rest of the night looking after her.

the rest of my time there was better. the purging happened less often although it did happen atleast once a day.



i then went home again and for some reason got really depressed. wouldn't leave my room or my bed.



that eventually passed and was about a week to christmas. i began to eat quite alot more than i usually do. but also spent most of my time shopping which was nice. and quite a few parties haha



christmas was good. lots of champagne and some food (more than i would like but im glad because i didn't binge).



boxing day i finally go my ass into gear! got myself out of 'normal' eating mode. went shopping and brought some amazing clothes!

then a two day fast before i went away to another beach.



i stayed there with 6 of my best friends for 6 days. i didnt eat much. the smallest bowl of musli for breakfast and a small salad with something around 3 or 4 as my dinner and lunch. plus a fuck load of alcohol.
it was very easy to get away with not eating much.
and we walked everywhere and swam alot.

apart from one of my close friend noticed and was worrying. one day around 1pm i started shaking and felt incredibly dizzy. we were about to go out but i quickly made myself a salad and said i had to sit down and they could go. they waited though. i could barely lift the fork to my mouth. i was so scared and having a little freak out. she helped me but was like "you need to eat more". i brushed it off with what do you mean? and im just not hungry and its the heat etc...

on our last night i was like man im so hungry knowing that there was no food left to eat anyway and she kept slipping in little comments like "thats a first"



new years was pretty good. drunk way too much though. and in my incredibly drunken state i thought it was smart to shove my fingers down my throat and make myself vomit even though i hadnt eaten since breakfast. there were 30,000 people where i was for new years on the beach haha and i met i nice boy (amazing body) but he lives on the otherside of the country from me ohwell.



when i got home a few days ago my mum was like wow you're looking so thin, i brushed it off with really? i eat heaps of fast food when i was away thought, must have been all the walking.

my stepdads mum also said the same thing but i didn't really believe them.

but when i went back to work for a night my boss was like you've lost alot of weight.
it kinda caught me off guard but i bullshited about how id been eating heaps! and he was like good, i thought you looked malnourished!
wow malnourished haha it made me very happy, in a sick way.

anyway thats the basically what i've been up to.
im going away again to the beach tomorrow.
with the to friends i mentioned earlier (who 'worry' about my eating).
so it should be fun

any advise to stop their worrying?
or il just continue my excuses for not eating.

love and have missed you all!
hope your new year is going good.
this years going to be better, i can tell
x

I'm In the bathroom posting to you guys on my iPhone after purging. Lucky th music is loud. I am having the best time of my life. An amazing flat. Loud music. All my best girl friends. Bt I feel fat. And my best friend is always on the phone to that guy. It makes me feel like shit. And all I wanted is to tell you guys. So I lcked myself in the bathroom. The night is stil young so I guess I'm just going to hav to toughen up, smile and pretnd everything is alright
love you all x

going to the beach with friends for a few days tomorrow!
will catch you guys up with whats been going on in my life when i get back.
will miss you all terribly.

stay strong and hope you are all alright
x

Fuck.My.Life

it's a sad day when you realise how much you fucking hate yourself.
how much you would hate you if you weren't you.
how fucked up you really are.
how you know you need to change but don't know how.
because there are so many aspects you need to change not just one or two.
pure hatred.

turns out that guy likes my friend. not me.
and i had to spend my saturday night watching him all over her and pretend like i don't give a fuck.
so i drunk a fuck load.
cocktail after cocktail.
pretty tipsy.
see them dancing.
pop open a bottle of champagne and skull, skull, skull.
all gone.
friends coming up to me. trying to talk. i don't want to talk. if i do i might cry. and i definately don't want them to know this.
need more to drink.
flirt with a guy till he goes to an alcohol shop and buys me tequlia.
and we do shot after shot.
next time i see him hes throwing up on the grass. ha.
i still haven't managed to drown my sadness.
so i think boys will help.
me, several guys i don't know in a spa in underwear.
me making a complete dick of myself.
a friend gets me dressed. i run off. i don't want to be around her/him/anyone.
run to the beach. guy following me.
he ( in his very drunken state) drives me home.
i know what he wants. i make him think hes going to get it. but he doesn't.

my ego was killed after he chose my bestfriend over me.
i feel like worthless shit.
why?

and how could she do this to me?
i know she thinks i don't care but after i hooked up with him for the second time ( i got with him first, then her, then me again and now after last weekend her again) i felt bad for weeks trying to do anything to make it up to her.

i hate myself. how can anyone like me if i dont like myself?
im a slut.
im shy.
i shut people out.
im afraid of feeling or admiting my feelings.
im insecure.
im fat.
i am spacy and people dont get that.
im bad at keeping up conversations.
im ugly.
im a bitch.

this is going to change.
fuck

weak

sunday, monday, tuesday: fast
yesterday, today: only fruit and veges

so far i have successfully followed my plan and i have no intentions on ruining it today by eating anything other than fruit or veges.
but i have a little cold and with the lack of food intake recently, i am feeling soo weak.
my stomach feels like its eating its self already, but it can't be right?
i've had a on and off headache for the last 4 days.

i've been forcing myself to exercise more. run, dance and walk every day.
i walk for an hour fine.
dancing is fine.
but when i run i feel like i might pass out and i haven't been running as far as i could before.

and i can't sleep at night.
even though im mentally exhusted from studying (one more exam left YAY)
and so physically tired my legs ache.
i can't sleep.
my mind keeps running and over thinking things waay to much.
my tummy does not stop grumbling.

hopefully its just the cold making me feel like this.

ohwell
i have no desire to eat anyway.
nothing looks appealling.
x

teenage wasteland

my fast is going well
i'm reading wasted =)
x

fasting today.

and hopefully tomorrow and tuesday.

fruit and veges wednesday and thursday.

not so sure about the weekend yet but we will see =)

sorry for not posting much!

im still reading your blogs though!

i've missed you guys

x