i was just going to forget about this blog because it seems like to much to write down. but i figured i will try writing about everything ... atleast once.
the only thing in my life going semi okay is not eating, it always makes me feel a little better.
Although all my friends would listen if i told them these things they wouldn't understand and i dont want to burden them with my problems. my best friend, who i used to tell everything, has been being a bitch for over a month now. it all started when she was having boyfriend problems so shut me and all my frinds out. i was going through a really hard time and she was staying away from everyone so i couldnt talk to her even though i would spend hours texting or ringing her to try help her. a few weeks ago she rung me saying "everythings all better now, thank you for the space, i just didnt want to listen to anyones opinions." what a bitch. if she didnt want my opinion she could have just said that and not completely shut me out! our friendship hasn't been the same again which is sad. (other stuff happened thats not the only reason i was angry at her).
i also had this thing going on with this guy who all my friends hated. he was abit of a drugy and all my friends kept telling me that hes not good for you and you can do better, and after a while i actully listened to them! i hate myself for istening to them. he might of been a druggy but he cared about me more than any other guy! so now he hates me and i miss him and how i felt when i was with him. an escape.
i came home the other morning (after my friends party) really hungover and tired (because i only got 2 hours sleep on the floor) and went upstairs to say hi to my mum and she was crying and started screaming at me because she got an invitation to a party my dad is having. i dont want to go to this stupid work party but im so scared of my dad. she was so angry because he never gives her or me and money yet he has money to throw a party. she then said i wasnt aloud to go but if i dont go im scared of what he will do. i dont know what to do and i feel totally caught in the middle.
also i have been talking to a laywer so i wont have to see my dad because a month ago i told him i hated him and then afew days later he rung up and said i had to live with him next year. i dont want to and im 16 and know that he cant make me and i have told him this but he keeps saying that hes my father and i owe him and stuff.
none of my friends can understant what its like and how it feels to have your whole life minipulated by a person you hate. i live in fear. i cant never not see him because he wants to see me and he will be angry and come get me and i dont want to cause more problems for my mum. i dont know what to do. the only way of escaping the grasp he has over my life is to move house or leave the country, but i dont want to leave my family or friends.
i hate myself so much i feel physically sick. i hate looking in the mirror and seeing the person i have become. none of my happy, talented, beautiful friends could understand this. i hope that one of you reading this can relate and that im not alone. i am fine during the day until i go to bed. even though im exusted and usually havent slept in days i cant sleep. voices go around in my head telling me i hate you. which i do. i hate myself.
i dont know what to do. i am completely lost and confused. usually i have a plan or a way to figure it out but i have no idea. it is all to much.
the only good thing is that my family has no money at the moment so there is no food in our house so no temptations and it is easier to get away from not eatin dinner.