Monday, November 30, 2009


it's a sad day when you realise how much you fucking hate yourself.
how much you would hate you if you weren't you.
how fucked up you really are.
how you know you need to change but don't know how.
because there are so many aspects you need to change not just one or two.
pure hatred.

turns out that guy likes my friend. not me.
and i had to spend my saturday night watching him all over her and pretend like i don't give a fuck.
so i drunk a fuck load.
cocktail after cocktail.
pretty tipsy.
see them dancing.
pop open a bottle of champagne and skull, skull, skull.
all gone.
friends coming up to me. trying to talk. i don't want to talk. if i do i might cry. and i definately don't want them to know this.
need more to drink.
flirt with a guy till he goes to an alcohol shop and buys me tequlia.
and we do shot after shot.
next time i see him hes throwing up on the grass. ha.
i still haven't managed to drown my sadness.
so i think boys will help.
me, several guys i don't know in a spa in underwear.
me making a complete dick of myself.
a friend gets me dressed. i run off. i don't want to be around her/him/anyone.
run to the beach. guy following me.
he ( in his very drunken state) drives me home.
i know what he wants. i make him think hes going to get it. but he doesn't.

my ego was killed after he chose my bestfriend over me.
i feel like worthless shit.

and how could she do this to me?
i know she thinks i don't care but after i hooked up with him for the second time ( i got with him first, then her, then me again and now after last weekend her again) i felt bad for weeks trying to do anything to make it up to her.

i hate myself. how can anyone like me if i dont like myself?
im a slut.
im shy.
i shut people out.
im afraid of feeling or admiting my feelings.
im insecure.
im fat.
i am spacy and people dont get that.
im bad at keeping up conversations.
im ugly.
im a bitch.

this is going to change.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


sunday, monday, tuesday: fast
yesterday, today: only fruit and veges

so far i have successfully followed my plan and i have no intentions on ruining it today by eating anything other than fruit or veges.
but i have a little cold and with the lack of food intake recently, i am feeling soo weak.
my stomach feels like its eating its self already, but it can't be right?
i've had a on and off headache for the last 4 days.

i've been forcing myself to exercise more. run, dance and walk every day.
i walk for an hour fine.
dancing is fine.
but when i run i feel like i might pass out and i haven't been running as far as i could before.

and i can't sleep at night.
even though im mentally exhusted from studying (one more exam left YAY)
and so physically tired my legs ache.
i can't sleep.
my mind keeps running and over thinking things waay to much.
my tummy does not stop grumbling.

hopefully its just the cold making me feel like this.

i have no desire to eat anyway.
nothing looks appealling.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

teenage wasteland

my fast is going well
i'm reading wasted =)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

fasting today.

and hopefully tomorrow and tuesday.

fruit and veges wednesday and thursday.

not so sure about the weekend yet but we will see =)

sorry for not posting much!
im still reading your blogs though!
i've missed you guys

Monday, November 16, 2009

Saturday, November 14, 2009

i am a bitch

so a few post ago i told you guys about my friend hooking up witha guy T after he told her he liked me.

well lastnight i hooked up with him and now everything is super fucked up.
i told my friend and she was like did you even think about me? blahblahblah

but yea of corse i thought about her.
but my jelousys and insecurities took over.
i needed to prove to my self that he likes me more than her.
and i realised that my need for love and attetion has driven me to hurting my best friend.
how fucked up is that.

i make myself sick.
i want to vomitt but theirs nothing to vomit up.

oh an i have my first exam tomorrow.
shuld be fun. ha.


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

been doing well.
till i went to work just before.
i ate. too much.
came home.
had a shower.
threw it all up.

I have begun to think that jealousy is one of the worst things a human can feel or be.
and i can't get rid of it.

atleast i weigh less than her.
and im going to prove that i have more control by losing more. and more.
i don't want to stop.
i am afraid of what i might find.


Sunday, November 1, 2009

fresh start

today has been going good! food wise that is.
what better way to start fresh than by fasting?!
one coffee
a little grapefruit juice
lots of water
walking for an hour
40min run
and im off to do around half an hour of pilates.

i swear fasting is like a drug for me.
i was walking to school thinking about all this crazy stuff and how life is soo fucked up. but i was in such a good mood and was just laughing at how screwed up everything is.
like how wonderful babies are. how they are so pure and innocent.
and how their bodies have yet to be poisoned by processed foods filled with fats and carbs and calories and sodium and all that shit thats in food.
but they just survive, and grow, off milk. how natural. but i hate milk. but i wish i could just cleanse my body by only drinking water. get all that shit out of my body. but unfortunatly for me my family watches what i eat. blah.

oh but then i found out that my best friend hooked up with a guy i have a little thing with. no need to say my day got worse. that killed my fasting buzz.
she told me before they hooked up he was asking her about me and where i was and shit.
the funny thing is is now i want him. now shes had him, my jealousy and insecurities have kicked in and i want to get with him so i can feel better than her.
she is the most amazing, friendly person and all my girl friends end up liking her more than me. but i've always gotten the guys.
ahh how sick and twisted is this.
i should just drop it.
be happy to have such a wonderfully nice friend.
but i cant. im too fucking insecure.
i would never admit this to anyone else.

ah and after a terrible weekend my weight has sky rocketed up. 136. fuck.
but im determined to lose it.
im might try join lily and be under 110 by december 10.
hopefully i can do it

all my love and support