Fuck.My.Life

it's a sad day when you realise how much you fucking hate yourself.
how much you would hate you if you weren't you.
how fucked up you really are.
how you know you need to change but don't know how.
because there are so many aspects you need to change not just one or two.
pure hatred.

turns out that guy likes my friend. not me.
and i had to spend my saturday night watching him all over her and pretend like i don't give a fuck.
so i drunk a fuck load.
cocktail after cocktail.
pretty tipsy.
see them dancing.
pop open a bottle of champagne and skull, skull, skull.
all gone.
friends coming up to me. trying to talk. i don't want to talk. if i do i might cry. and i definately don't want them to know this.
need more to drink.
flirt with a guy till he goes to an alcohol shop and buys me tequlia.
and we do shot after shot.
next time i see him hes throwing up on the grass. ha.
i still haven't managed to drown my sadness.
so i think boys will help.
me, several guys i don't know in a spa in underwear.
me making a complete dick of myself.
a friend gets me dressed. i run off. i don't want to be around her/him/anyone.
run to the beach. guy following me.
he ( in his very drunken state) drives me home.
i know what he wants. i make him think hes going to get it. but he doesn't.

my ego was killed after he chose my bestfriend over me.
i feel like worthless shit.
why?

and how could she do this to me?
i know she thinks i don't care but after i hooked up with him for the second time ( i got with him first, then her, then me again and now after last weekend her again) i felt bad for weeks trying to do anything to make it up to her.

i hate myself. how can anyone like me if i dont like myself?
im a slut.
im shy.
i shut people out.
im afraid of feeling or admiting my feelings.
im insecure.
im fat.
i am spacy and people dont get that.
im bad at keeping up conversations.
im ugly.
im a bitch.

this is going to change.
fuck