Sunday, November 1, 2009

fresh start

today has been going good! food wise that is.
what better way to start fresh than by fasting?!
one coffee
a little grapefruit juice
lots of water
walking for an hour
40min run
and im off to do around half an hour of pilates.

i swear fasting is like a drug for me.
i was walking to school thinking about all this crazy stuff and how life is soo fucked up. but i was in such a good mood and was just laughing at how screwed up everything is.
like how wonderful babies are. how they are so pure and innocent.
and how their bodies have yet to be poisoned by processed foods filled with fats and carbs and calories and sodium and all that shit thats in food.
but they just survive, and grow, off milk. how natural. but i hate milk. but i wish i could just cleanse my body by only drinking water. get all that shit out of my body. but unfortunatly for me my family watches what i eat. blah.

oh but then i found out that my best friend hooked up with a guy i have a little thing with. no need to say my day got worse. that killed my fasting buzz.
she told me before they hooked up he was asking her about me and where i was and shit.
the funny thing is is now i want him. now shes had him, my jealousy and insecurities have kicked in and i want to get with him so i can feel better than her.
she is the most amazing, friendly person and all my girl friends end up liking her more than me. but i've always gotten the guys.
ahh how sick and twisted is this.
i should just drop it.
be happy to have such a wonderfully nice friend.
but i cant. im too fucking insecure.
i would never admit this to anyone else.

ah and after a terrible weekend my weight has sky rocketed up. 136. fuck.
but im determined to lose it.
im might try join lily and be under 110 by december 10.
hopefully i can do it

all my love and support

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