Saturday, December 5, 2009

I'm In the bathroom posting to you guys on my iPhone after purging. Lucky th music is loud. I am having the best time of my life. An amazing flat. Loud music. All my best girl friends. Bt I feel fat. And my best friend is always on the phone to that guy. It makes me feel like shit. And all I wanted is to tell you guys. So I lcked myself in the bathroom. The night is stil young so I guess I'm just going to hav to toughen up, smile and pretnd everything is alright
love you all x
going to the beach with friends for a few days tomorrow!
will catch you guys up with whats been going on in my life when i get back.
will miss you all terribly.

stay strong and hope you are all alright
x

Monday, November 30, 2009

Fuck.My.Life

it's a sad day when you realise how much you fucking hate yourself.
how much you would hate you if you weren't you.
how fucked up you really are.
how you know you need to change but don't know how.
because there are so many aspects you need to change not just one or two.
pure hatred.

turns out that guy likes my friend. not me.
and i had to spend my saturday night watching him all over her and pretend like i don't give a fuck.
so i drunk a fuck load.
cocktail after cocktail.
pretty tipsy.
see them dancing.
pop open a bottle of champagne and skull, skull, skull.
all gone.
friends coming up to me. trying to talk. i don't want to talk. if i do i might cry. and i definately don't want them to know this.
need more to drink.
flirt with a guy till he goes to an alcohol shop and buys me tequlia.
and we do shot after shot.
next time i see him hes throwing up on the grass. ha.
i still haven't managed to drown my sadness.
so i think boys will help.
me, several guys i don't know in a spa in underwear.
me making a complete dick of myself.
a friend gets me dressed. i run off. i don't want to be around her/him/anyone.
run to the beach. guy following me.
he ( in his very drunken state) drives me home.
i know what he wants. i make him think hes going to get it. but he doesn't.

my ego was killed after he chose my bestfriend over me.
i feel like worthless shit.
why?

and how could she do this to me?
i know she thinks i don't care but after i hooked up with him for the second time ( i got with him first, then her, then me again and now after last weekend her again) i felt bad for weeks trying to do anything to make it up to her.

i hate myself. how can anyone like me if i dont like myself?
im a slut.
im shy.
i shut people out.
im afraid of feeling or admiting my feelings.
im insecure.
im fat.
i am spacy and people dont get that.
im bad at keeping up conversations.
im ugly.
im a bitch.

this is going to change.
fuck

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

weak

sunday, monday, tuesday: fast
yesterday, today: only fruit and veges

so far i have successfully followed my plan and i have no intentions on ruining it today by eating anything other than fruit or veges.
but i have a little cold and with the lack of food intake recently, i am feeling soo weak.
my stomach feels like its eating its self already, but it can't be right?
i've had a on and off headache for the last 4 days.

i've been forcing myself to exercise more. run, dance and walk every day.
i walk for an hour fine.
dancing is fine.
but when i run i feel like i might pass out and i haven't been running as far as i could before.

and i can't sleep at night.
even though im mentally exhusted from studying (one more exam left YAY)
and so physically tired my legs ache.
i can't sleep.
my mind keeps running and over thinking things waay to much.
my tummy does not stop grumbling.

hopefully its just the cold making me feel like this.

ohwell
i have no desire to eat anyway.
nothing looks appealling.
x

Sunday, November 22, 2009

teenage wasteland

my fast is going well
i'm reading wasted =)
x










































































































































































Saturday, November 21, 2009














































fasting today.

and hopefully tomorrow and tuesday.

fruit and veges wednesday and thursday.

not so sure about the weekend yet but we will see =)






sorry for not posting much!
im still reading your blogs though!
i've missed you guys
x

Monday, November 16, 2009

Saturday, November 14, 2009

i am a bitch

so a few post ago i told you guys about my friend hooking up witha guy T after he told her he liked me.

well lastnight i hooked up with him and now everything is super fucked up.
i told my friend and she was like did you even think about me? blahblahblah

but yea of corse i thought about her.
but my jelousys and insecurities took over.
i needed to prove to my self that he likes me more than her.
and i realised that my need for love and attetion has driven me to hurting my best friend.
how fucked up is that.

i make myself sick.
i want to vomitt but theirs nothing to vomit up.

oh an i have my first exam tomorrow.
shuld be fun. ha.

x

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

been doing well.
till i went to work just before.
i ate. too much.
came home.
had a shower.
threw it all up.

I have begun to think that jealousy is one of the worst things a human can feel or be.
and i can't get rid of it.

atleast i weigh less than her.
and im going to prove that i have more control by losing more. and more.
i don't want to stop.
i am afraid of what i might find.

love
x

Sunday, November 1, 2009

fresh start

today has been going good! food wise that is.
what better way to start fresh than by fasting?!
intake
one coffee
a little grapefruit juice
lots of water
exercise
walking for an hour
40min run
and im off to do around half an hour of pilates.

i swear fasting is like a drug for me.
i was walking to school thinking about all this crazy stuff and how life is soo fucked up. but i was in such a good mood and was just laughing at how screwed up everything is.
like how wonderful babies are. how they are so pure and innocent.
and how their bodies have yet to be poisoned by processed foods filled with fats and carbs and calories and sodium and all that shit thats in food.
but they just survive, and grow, off milk. how natural. but i hate milk. but i wish i could just cleanse my body by only drinking water. get all that shit out of my body. but unfortunatly for me my family watches what i eat. blah.

oh but then i found out that my best friend hooked up with a guy i have a little thing with. no need to say my day got worse. that killed my fasting buzz.
she told me before they hooked up he was asking her about me and where i was and shit.
the funny thing is is now i want him. now shes had him, my jealousy and insecurities have kicked in and i want to get with him so i can feel better than her.
she is the most amazing, friendly person and all my girl friends end up liking her more than me. but i've always gotten the guys.
ahh how sick and twisted is this.
i should just drop it.
be happy to have such a wonderfully nice friend.
but i cant. im too fucking insecure.
i would never admit this to anyone else.

ah and after a terrible weekend my weight has sky rocketed up. 136. fuck.
but im determined to lose it.
im might try join lily http://inlilysworld.blogspot.com/ and be under 110 by december 10.
hopefully i can do it

all my love and support
x

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

dinner with the whole family tonight.
fuck.
hope im strong enough to eat as little as possible.
im going to go for a run before because i never feel like eating after running.
hopefully that will help
x
wow i have missed you guys and your support!

my laptop broke and i only just got it back.

i had so much i wanted to tell you guys but now that im writing its all gone out of my head!

i've been doing alright i guess.
i've fasted 9 days.
had 2 very depressed days where i refused to get out of bed.
several drunken nights.
but mainly i've just been super busy with school stuff.

it would be impossible to catch you guys up with everything that has happened so im not going to try! but i will write alot more often now my laptops back!

uh last weekend i got with a 21 year old guy .. and im 17... a few hours before i had a break down in McDonalds bathroom and smashed a bottle of vodka. woops! dw i didn't eat any! im not sure how i feel about getting with a guy that much older than me?but oh well nothing i can do now! whats the biggest age gap you've ever had?

oh and i also got with ice cream guy! but that was 2 weeks and he never txted me and i dont want to txt him haha ohwell

hope you are all well
and now im off to catch up on your blogs!
and drink my green tea x

Thursday, October 8, 2009

quotes

Found some quote and thought i would share.
hopefully one will stick and your mind.
and you can use it as motivation or thinspo when you are having a hard time.
they aren't all about eating but mainly about life in general.

"Pain is temporary. If i give up, however, it lasts forever" Lance Armstrong

"They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." Andy Warhol

"It's never too late to be what you might have been"

“Pick the day. Enjoy it - to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come... The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present - and I don't want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future." Audrey Hepburn

“I decided, very early on, just to accept life unconditionally; I never expected it to do anything special for me, yet I seemed to accomplish far more than I had ever hoped. Most of the time it just happened to me without my ever seeking it." Audrey Hepburn

"there are no failures - just experiences and your reactions to them" Tom Krause “Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today.” James Dean

"Don't wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.” ...... and thinner Mark Victor Hansen

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” Maria Robinson

“Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.” Ashley Smith

“Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” Dr. Seuss

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for."

“I have learned that some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet are those who have suffered a traumatic event or loss. I admire them for their strength, but most especially for their life gratitude - a gift often taken for granted by the average person in society.” Sasha Azevedo


x

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

fruit and veges today and yesterday.
not sure about tomorrow ... it depends whether or not i can fast or not.

funny thing happened
i was texting this guy and the conversation ended up being about ice cream (my one love and weakness).
and he said "i am glad to have found another ice cream lover who has such a good body"

if only he knew

Monday, October 5, 2009

back and better than ever!











My trip was soo much fun! and somehow got me out of the depressed state of mind




eating was better than expected.
apple for breakfast

rice crackers or lite tuna for lunch

and nothing for dinner but a shit load of alcohol.




apart from on the morning/ afternoon before i came back i had a huge binge. but oh well i kind of expected it.









i would go for long walks in the bush/forest thing and it was lovely.

i would spend hours looking out to sea.

i laughed the most i have in ages.




it was very drama and stress free. because less people than expected came so it was just 20 of us who are all very close friends.




and the weather was shit so the only time i went swimming was at night ... in my bra and undies with 5 guys.haha






i hoped on the scales today and i have gained back a kg :(

i am sad but im not to worried because i am feeling very motivated and i only binge when i feel like im not getting anywhere but i know i can! and i will!








i realised that i have been slipping back into depression and i really need to start doing something to stop it. find a balance in my life.





we can do this!








cant wait to look amazing in my bikini in summer....


x








Friday, October 2, 2009

lost 2kgs this week.
couldn't believe it when i stood on the scales. made me smile.
its sad that that is the slightest bit of happiness i've felt lately ...

Thursday, October 1, 2009


going away tomorrow.

i am so worried. about eating. about gaining.


i dont feel like myself. like i feel so depressed that i dont want to go out tonight. but i will.


i went to this amazing party last night. it was amazing. or it would have been. if i was my usual self. but i just felt so lonely and lost.


ha. i really need to snap out of this. quickly.

before tonight if possible.

Monday, September 28, 2009

ahh fasting. and sick.
my throat is so sore i cant even drink water.
so i am feeling very faint.
argh.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

mmm
had a good weekend.
drunk way too much. danced crazily. hung out with my best friends. made new friends. didn't eat much. and i am on holidays.

but its strange because i basically live to party. you would have thought that this weekend would be a dream come true.

but somethings not right. i feel numb. i feel jealous. i feel bored. i feel lonely. but really, i don't know what i feel.

i want/need something but i don't know what.


ahh this probably isnt making much sense. sorry


oh well. i am fasting today, tomorrow and the day after. then wednesday 200 cals. then thursday only fruit and veges. then friday fast. the saturday im going away! mmm should be fun ... just hope i get out of this weird, fucked up, depresed mind set.


goodluck girls!
x

Wednesday, September 23, 2009





































im thinking of fasting sunday, monday, tuesday. then either thursday or friday.
















i think 3 days is realistic ... i dont want to push it.
















but the fast will hopefully help me lose abit before i leave.
















yay being fat on the beach i cant wait! ahh
















hope you guys are doing better than me.
love, as always
x

Sunday, September 20, 2009

sigh

i did so badly in my exams
uh oh ....

Friday, September 18, 2009


i came home from work last night.

was feeling very sorry for myself after a fucked up day.

jumped into bed with a huge huge bowl of icecream at nearly 12.

had around 3 spoonfuls then got a text from my friend saying we are going to this party. pick you up in 2 minutes.

got ready soo fast. my friend waas like sorry about the late notice but new you wouldn't turn down a party :)

went out had a really good night. just got home now nearly 4;30 pm and found the bowl of ice cream. oh how glad i am that i didn't eat it.


take it one day at a time my loves.

x

Thursday, September 17, 2009

2 weeks


2 weeks untill i go away.

2 weeks to SOMEHOW make my body look alright.


after 2 days fasting

running + over an hour walking everyday

trying to eat healthly

restricting

one binge and purge session


and i have only lost one kg. fuck.

my body doesn't even look any different. (apart from slightly flatter stomach).

but my thighs and hips are still fat fat fat.

i cant go away looking like this.


fuck.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

just finshed my exam.
no more for another 2 months or something.

today
2 egg whites
half a banana
a green apple
2 crackers

and i want to fucking binge.
or fast.
but i cant do either.

i cant fast until sunday so its eating healthy till then.
egg whites for breakfast
fruit/veges for lunch or snacks
one coffee and one grapefruit juice per day + green tea.
chewing gum + one small lollypop per day.

and dinner. with the family. as little as possible as it is usually high cal. vomit. chew and spit. any sneaky tacket appropriate. i have many.

so tonight its pasta and i am really worried that it will trigger a binge.
chug lots of ice water. dont give in.

i wont ruin how well i have been going.

x

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

so today has been pretty good. food wise and everything else wise.
but didn't get much study done
uh oh

kiwifruit
coffee
medium salad (it was amazing even though it was just veges and lemon juice)
and grapefruit juice

i did nearly an hour and a half of walking
and im going to go for a run when it cools down (around 40mins)

unfortuatly im eating dinner with the family.
homemade burgers.
with bread buns. the thought makes me want to vomit right now.
so il chew and spit as much as possible without causing concern.

if i dont eat much of the burger (fingers crossed) i can have a pice of fruit for dessert :)

tomorrow
my last exam.
French.
fuck.

oh well
stay strong girls
x

:)


today was good.

no food, only coffee, lots and lots of iced water and my new found love grapefruit juice.

it is quite a high cal drink 120cal for a small bottle (i try not to drink drinks over 100cal)

but i have been reading that grapefruit can ancrease fat burning and has all these benifits

i knew they were good for you but now im addicted haha


so until a few days ago i wasn't doing so well in eating aspect :(

but now i am empty, motavated and thinking clearly.


good and bad news.

in like 3 weeks i am going away with friends to a beach. it is going to be amazing. around 25 boys and girls. no parents.lots of alcohol. :) almost a dream come true.

minus the fact that im going to have to wear a bikini and that i will have to eat "normally" and no purging. fuck that seems impossible.

but im trying not to freak out about it and use it as motivation. i have just under 3 weeks. i no i can't lose too much in this amount of time but im going to try my best. NO screw ups. i want be skinny but i will have lost and toned up and i will have the best time ever!


be strong lovely girls!
x

Thursday, September 10, 2009

pills?

i brought these pills today as they were one of the two that i found.

fat burner.
powerful combination of ingredients that assist the body's natural fat metabolism.
this increases the rate at which you body uses calaries to produce energy.
take 1 30 minutes before meals or before exercise to assist energy levels.

im going to have one before dinner.

hopefully they will work and make me feel less guilty about those dinners which i HAVE to have with the family. argh.

i am addicted to vitamins but dunno if these will work
what do you think?
x

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

today has been good.

im fasting so maybe thats why it has been good.
i studyed all day.
going to study more.
avoid dinner somehow.

i have an exam tomorrow.
i dont know if i should continue my fast or eat a lil through out the day?
maybe egg whites before my exam?
i think i will just see how i feel.
if im feeling weak and unable to concentrate then i will eat but stay under 200cal.

the next few days will be easy.
either fasting or under 200cal.
ill be at the library or in an exam most of the time.

but after exams are finished it will be hard because i will be going out or partying with friends all the time. alcohol cals argh!


oh well i will just make the most of these couple of days.

x

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

fast

fast today.

i have been doing good. only 1 coffee.

i have been distracted by too much school work! grr




i have had a killer headache all day though
so not sure if i will fast tomorrow or not!?
if i dont i will have 200 cal


i am feeling so happy tho. even though everything is going wrong i am empty.
i know that the weight is coming off. sure slowly. but good things take time.
i love it how all my friends are stressed about exams but im just so buzzed out. so empty. so vague. haha

im not worried about school. its not that important to me. there are things that i understand that 'smart' people dont. and they don't understand that. how ironic.


don't get me wrong. i try. just not as hard as most people. im writing a silly french essay at the moment. and and after im going to study for maths. ew.




might have a green tea :)

stay strong loves!
remember good things take time.
its not easy but wont it be worth it!
i believe you can do it

x

Sunday, August 30, 2009

my computer broke and i only just got it back :(

im going to try catch up on all your blogs now!

its been hard without you guys! but i have been doing alright

x

Monday, August 24, 2009

?

i need your advise!

tomorrow i HAVE to go out to dinner with my dad.

i am pissed because a) i hate my dad and b) it totally ruins my plan to fast today, tomorrow and thursday.

so im not sure if i should continue my fast till dinner tomorrow or tomorrow eat minimally to try get my metabolism up before dinner.

like a kiwifruit for breakfast
and a piece of fruit for lunch?


we will hopefully get sushi so i can get away with not eating much.
chew and spit. hiding food if i have to.

but i will have to eat alittle bit which would break my fast :(


ahh dont know what i should do?!


on a happier note i went for the most amazing run this morning :)
and my fast is goin well

hope you are all doing well

xx

Sunday, August 23, 2009

today

1kiwifruit
coffee
2 crackers

just before i had to have a banana because i had to take a painkiller which needs to be taken after a meal.

no more food today

nothing tomorrow

:)

i keep breaking in random bursts of laughter when i remeber something stupid i did on saturday night.

i remember dancing to good girls go bad and lets just say i will never think of that song the same again.

haha




x

Saturday, August 22, 2009

fml

i hate it when you wake up in the morning thinking "wow that was an amazing night"
but it turns out you did some stupid things you just cant remember.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

...

today.
1 kiwifruit
coffee
half an orange.

i am now off to work.
coffee
small salad

x

today

Today.
1 Kiwifruit
Coffee
walk 30 mins to school
rice crackers 45 cal
Intense 60 min Spin class
half a orange
walk to my friends before walking home over an hour.

2 pieces of gum
a fuckload of water


and now im off to have a green tea before a little more homework and bed

x

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

...

so i thought i should fill you guys in on my life.

well as you know my dad was abusive.
i lived with my mum who is addicted to pot and alcohol. but lovely and the best mum.

and yea i was always tall for my age and really really skinny.
when i hit puberty i suddenly put on heaps of weight. i was used to eating whatever i wanted and being tiny. it didn't really bother me but my everytime i saw my dad he would say "look how fat you are getting" or "look at those rolls" infront of people. all the time.

i was 12 when i started not eating. it started off just no breakfast, then no lunch aswell, then little or no dinner. my mum didn't notice. my dad didn't notice. but my friends did. everyone kept commenting on my eating.

it went on for just under a year. then one friend came up to me saying why are you doing this. instead of my usual denial i broke down and told her everything about my dad and all this stuff.

i got abit better but i was still losing weight and i was 36kgs and quite tall (dont know my exact height).

my mum made me go to a conselor and yea i got help and all that shit.
it was hard at first. everyone watching but because i was sick i thought i could eat whatever i wanted.

i always struggled. hated my body.

now here i am. back here again.
17.
really hate my body.
way heavier.
59kgs.

but i know what i want. and this time im not going to let someone elses opinion of whats "Healthy" stop me.

x

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

realisation

im only 5kgs lighter than when i started this blog.

forever ago.

its not good enouugh!

periods of fasting and losing so much weight.

periods of uncontrolable binges.

they have added up.




i NEED to lose weight.

no more binges.



the rest of this week i am going to restrict. around 300 cals.

i have always had trouble restricting because at around 8pm i binge.


fuck.

i need to stop worrying about other things that i can't control.

Fast Sunday, Monday, Tuesday.
under 500 cals Wednesday.
Fast thursday.

I also need to blog more. it really helps.

so i am going to update everyday.






It is never too late to be what you might have been.
x

Monday, August 17, 2009

...

i ate way to much on saturday.

then got a vomiting bug and was vomiting all the rest of saturday and half of sunday.


my throat feels so bruised now.

and my stomach so empty ...




obviously the universe doesn't want me to eat.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

....

wow

i just realised that i actually forgot to eat from saturday night till this afternoon (thursday).
not quite forgot but just was to distracted. it never crossed my mind.

all because of a boy. haha



hes going away this weekend. but said to me that he wishes he wasn't so he could see me again.

i drove myself crazy overthinking everything that happened/ could happen since we got together sat night.

this is like the biggest deal for me because i am the most comitment phobic 17 year old out.

i usually have casual things/ one nighters with guys.

im already freaking out that this is turning into something more

iguess it is because of the shit that happened with my dad....

i dont trust people and i know that guys only want one thing.



and also everything im with a guy. when i think about it when i wake up. i freak out. i get flashbacks about my dad. i feel so dirty no matter how good and comfortable i felt at the time.

i get so sad everytime. and i cant tell anyone.




i guess im scarred that he will realise how fucked up i am :(





so yea i have been so confused. but i am going to take control. forget about him (till i see him next). play it cool. if he wants me hes going to have to work for it. wont eat. look fucking amazing when i see him.


love all you girls,
your comments and support.
x

Monday, August 10, 2009

...

only a coffee today.

still confused.

x

Sunday, August 9, 2009

...

sorry for never posting haha

last weekend was the one of the biggest partys of the year.
my whole school had been talking bot it for ages!!!
their was 650 tickets sold!

i had a really good time but very confused lol as usual!

at the beginning i was just dancing and drinking and stuff the somehow got with this guy (S). he friends with my friends and ive seen him around heaps and yea .... but dunno how i ended up getting with him.

then i went off to dance with my friends (more alcohol). then i went to go to the toliet and found a good friend crying. turns out that my good friend (L) had been taken to hospital because she had taken 3 pills and alot of alcohol. so i was really sad and what made it worse was that all my friends (apart from that one girl) didnt really care and was like she will be fine and dragged me off to dance again.

i tried to dance but didnt really feel like it and walked off somewhere and bumped into S. told him what had happend and he was so nice like talking to him bot it and then he was just holding me.

and then he was like come on lets go somewhere more private and yea i knew what he wanted but went with him anyway and yea stuff happpened.

he made sure i got home safely and txtd me in the morning.

but yea im just so confused because dont know if it was a one night thing but then why would he spend all night with me and take me home and shit. Argh!

and then he stayed at my friends house and were talking about who they got with and he didn't say anything about me so my friend was shocked when she found out i had gotten with him. is that cause he knew i was friends with them and would have been akward or ....?

btw my friend is alg so thats good.

i havent had anything to eat today only 2 coffees so thats good i guess.

x

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

...










things have been better since my last post (not that they could get worse!)








i have been eating around 300 calories a day.








but its my friends birthday dinner on friday. we are going to a japanese resturant. i cant get out of it.








so im going to fast tomorrow and friday until dinner.








and eat as little as possible (without being noticed) at dinner, but will treat myself a little.








oh and i have been going for the most amazing runs lately. i feel my fat on my thighs move as i run and think if i keep running it will all come off.








i used to be able to run 30mins max.now im running for over and hour.








i had a break today though because i had heaps of school stuff.


i want to try yoga. i do pilates but something about yoga seems so relaxing! dunno


i wish i was a good dancer ...





x

Sunday, July 19, 2009

..

Fuck.

i has been liquid fasting for 6 days until my mum made me eat dinner. watched me eat dinner.

i wanted to cry.

and to make things even worse i binged after dinner.

fuck.

dinner was bad enough!

Fuck

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

confusing!




I i've been single since i broke up with that guy but last night at this party i was spending heaps of time with my friend (lets call him N).




we have been friends for ages and we always flirt but the thing is that hes been out with 2 of my good friends so he is completely out of bounds.




but we were dancing lot and spent over an hour lying on a bed having drunken talks. nothing happened but it was definatly more than friendly like i was lying with his arm under me and he kept pulling me closer and moving his hand up and down my waist. i can't really remember our convos but i remember him asking why i treat myself so badly or something.




anyway i feel asleep on the bed with him holding me for abit then one of my friends (his ex) came in and woke me up saying lets go swimming. haha yea so we ended up striping down to our undies and jumping in his pool (with N). normally i would never do that! i hate my body but was to drunk and was feeling pretty comfortable with my body after all N's compliments.




argh don't even know why i am writing this though! i could never get with him! i couldn't do that to my friends but he is so lovely and hot!!




why is it that the one guy who actually cares about me i cant have ...




in a good note though i have been liquid fasting for 3 days (only coffee and alcohol) :)




i really need to stop drinking as much alcohol though! it has to many calories! grr


hope your love lifes are going better than mine!
x




Tuesday, July 14, 2009

You can get it ...

Fuck life has been pretty shit!

i had to spend the weekend with my dad which was torture! and then i come home and my grandparents have invaded my house! so i have no space and my mum is completely stressed out. last night she wouldn't let me go to a party after work because it "wouldn't be a good look in front of your graandparents". ARGH!!

so while i could have been at a party i was at home lying in bed and could not get to sleep, so i thought i would make a thinspo video to share with you! (because everyones blogs seem a little sad atm :( )



i've never made a thinspo video before (so sorry it's not very good!)

it's not your usual thinspo song (she can get it by Kevin Rudolf) but its upbeat and always makes me want to dance for some reason. so screw all the bad shit thats going on atm and put on a good song and go crazy and dance (burn those calaries). i know things seem terrible and like you will never loose those last pounds but keep trying, it takes hard work and dedication.



video


don't give up what you want most for what you want at the moment.

you can get it
x

Thursday, July 2, 2009

i can't be bothered writing much but when this happened i thought i must write about it.

today at school i was really tired because im sick and last night i couldn't sleep for some reason so i looked and felt like shit.

I was walking with a friend ( i would call her a friend but not a best friend) to class and she was like "whats wrong?" i was like "nothing" (i didnt feel like talking and just wanted to be left alone for a bit) and she stops and looks at me and says "you look angry .... angry, tired or hungry"! is it just me or is hungry a weird thing to say. i was shocked and we kept walking and i thought to myself "you have no idea how right you are"

it also made me alittle sad that sometimes this friend can see the things that my bestfriend cant, almost as if she knows me better than my best friend.

i duno just thought i would share.

todays has been alright went for an hour run, had an egg for breakfast (bad i know), walked to school (half an hour),had a few bites of an apple, walked home from school and ate a few bites of dinner (not much at all but it still feels disgusting in my stomach)before taking the bowl to my room and chucking it in the rubbish.

i should do some more exercise tonight but im feeling so tired and sick so im just going to go to bed! i can't be sick for sat!

stay stong!
x

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Back on track ...

Sorry i haven't written anything for ages!

i have had so much stuff going on that i couldn't be bothered writing it down but i still kept reading all your blogs! they are the perfect thinspo and i dont know why but they just keep me going!

School has been the biggest stress! I have so much work to do!! not to mention friends and family problems ... but its the school finishes at the end of this week and im determined that my two weeks off are going to make me work harder and lose more. Lately i have just been going along at the same pace, its frustrating. usually a coffee in the morning ( one or two hours late to school lol) a piece of fruit at lunch time and dinner with the family (but eating half what everyone else does) and between an hour or 2 of exercise. like i said ive been focused on school and family and stuff but i need to do better (and i will over break).

today was alright i had two tablespoons of musli and half a small green apple (i manged to get out of eating dinner with the family). I think i might have a green tea soon though.

Another reason i can't wait for holidays is there are gonna be some good parties! like the last 2 weeks there has been basically nothing on - i guess cause the weather is so shit (it is winter here)and everyone has heaps of work and stuff. so yea can't wait ... this sat is going to be AMAZING :)

Unfortunatly i have to work on friday night but im going to go shopping saturday and out saturday night so thats something to look forward to.

Stay strong ...
and keep writing!
xx

Thursday, June 11, 2009

a little bit of thinspo ...

i just thought i would share a few photos of Willa Holland who is my favourite thinspo (atm)

it was hard chosing just a few photos but i couldnt be bothered puting them all up

but just let me know if you liked these photos and i can put up some more!x