New Year, New Decade, New Me

Sorry for not posting for like a month.


trust me i have wanted to.


but i have been away from a computer or just unable to explain everything thats happened.


to put my thoughts in words.


im sure you've probably noticed im not that good with words. it never seems to come out fully or properly.





anyway, its summer where i live and i love summer!


i've been at the beach, with my friends or partying.


i'll try fill you guys in on what i've been up to.


i went away to a beach with like 15 good friends and we had the place to ourselves.

we would just go to the beach or in the spa, or read magazines all day long.

music was constantly turned up loud and we would all just walk around and dance in our togs.

i was having the most amazing time but still felt fat.

i wouldn't eat much during the day but usually end up binging.

i worried about the alcohol cals aswell since we started drinking a few hours after we woke up.

i purged alot. which i don't normally do. i would just go into one of the bathrooms and throw everything up. i was usually drunk so it came up very easy. and the music was loud so no one noticed.

on the first night i was feeling pretty depressed but was faking having a good time.

my best friend (who is the always happy, never depressed or complaining type) locked me in the bathroom with her and said "you're looking really skinny... and i know you think its good but its not". But she was so drunk i doubt she remembered saying it or even meaning it at the time. because then she began to break down, crying her eyes out. i have been best friends with her for 5 years now and i have never seen her like this before. in a selfish way im glad she was upset. i always depend on her and shes always so strong i wondered if she needed me as much as i needed her. but the she started vomiting and comed on the bathroom floor. so i spent the rest of the night looking after her.

the rest of my time there was better. the purging happened less often although it did happen atleast once a day.



i then went home again and for some reason got really depressed. wouldn't leave my room or my bed.



that eventually passed and was about a week to christmas. i began to eat quite alot more than i usually do. but also spent most of my time shopping which was nice. and quite a few parties haha



christmas was good. lots of champagne and some food (more than i would like but im glad because i didn't binge).



boxing day i finally go my ass into gear! got myself out of 'normal' eating mode. went shopping and brought some amazing clothes!

then a two day fast before i went away to another beach.



i stayed there with 6 of my best friends for 6 days. i didnt eat much. the smallest bowl of musli for breakfast and a small salad with something around 3 or 4 as my dinner and lunch. plus a fuck load of alcohol.
it was very easy to get away with not eating much.
and we walked everywhere and swam alot.

apart from one of my close friend noticed and was worrying. one day around 1pm i started shaking and felt incredibly dizzy. we were about to go out but i quickly made myself a salad and said i had to sit down and they could go. they waited though. i could barely lift the fork to my mouth. i was so scared and having a little freak out. she helped me but was like "you need to eat more". i brushed it off with what do you mean? and im just not hungry and its the heat etc...

on our last night i was like man im so hungry knowing that there was no food left to eat anyway and she kept slipping in little comments like "thats a first"



new years was pretty good. drunk way too much though. and in my incredibly drunken state i thought it was smart to shove my fingers down my throat and make myself vomit even though i hadnt eaten since breakfast. there were 30,000 people where i was for new years on the beach haha and i met i nice boy (amazing body) but he lives on the otherside of the country from me ohwell.



when i got home a few days ago my mum was like wow you're looking so thin, i brushed it off with really? i eat heaps of fast food when i was away thought, must have been all the walking.

my stepdads mum also said the same thing but i didn't really believe them.

but when i went back to work for a night my boss was like you've lost alot of weight.
it kinda caught me off guard but i bullshited about how id been eating heaps! and he was like good, i thought you looked malnourished!
wow malnourished haha it made me very happy, in a sick way.

anyway thats the basically what i've been up to.
im going away again to the beach tomorrow.
with the to friends i mentioned earlier (who 'worry' about my eating).
so it should be fun

any advise to stop their worrying?
or il just continue my excuses for not eating.

love and have missed you all!
hope your new year is going good.
this years going to be better, i can tell
x