i have so much to say but the right words just aren't coming out.
wasn't it like two posts ago i was talking about new beginnings and a new me, yet i go and do what i always do. get drunk and fuck things up. lovely.
Sometimes i can't believe this is my life. i don't know how i got here. how did i get to be the drunk bitch full of jelousy making her best friend miserable?
i can't even be bothered writing all the shit i caused on saturday night.
but i will tell you how it ended (after all the shit)
i was at this party and most people had left, but i was still off my face.
a guy i had talked to abit told me he was going for a walk and i joined him.
we ran to the beach. and talked abit more.
the view was amazing. lights of the city reflecting on the sea. and had this strange convo about how i was sad cause you couldn't see the stars and he said it didn't matter as the sea was best. but i disagreed. and we were talking about the stars and the sea. can't really remember how the convo went though.
and we went and sat on a rock. i stood up and started taking my clothes off and said lets go swimming ( typical slutty me) and he was like i have a girlfriend. woops.
but no it was a lovely time. we spent two or three hours talking about random stuff like what he wanted to be and our happiest memories etc.
when we walked home he said to me "you still haven't told me why your dad is an asshole" (i must have mentioned him when i was drunk). so i told him " my dad was abusive emotionally, physicaly and sexually".
it def caught him off guard. he pulled the usual wow you are so stong now and you know getting drunk and blah blah isn't the way to deal.
i really hate it when people say this.
and then he took me to his house and let me sleep in his bed as i had no way of getting home or where i was.
i was fine until i got home in the morning and i realised he is the first guy i have EVER told. i got really depressed. angry at myself for all the shit i caused, hating who i have become and sadned by the past that was brought up and sad that i told a random guy who i might never see again.
i didn't leave my bed for a day and a half. finally dragged myself out of bed today.
i need a reason to get up and keep trying, keep breathing but i haven't found one yet. I don't mean friends or family or a boyfriend. i mean what do i want to do with my life, accomplish. what do i want. all me. i don't want to live for anyone else.
Sometimes the past is too much and seems too hard. and i don't know what to do?
how do you get over abuse? can you get over it or do you just learn to deal with it?
because i don't think i can deal with it anymore, i need to get over it. it is always in the back of your mind. a part of you. the reason why you do everything you do. insecure, quiet, full of fear, acting slutty, numbing yourself with alcohol, drugs, anything to help you deal with daily shit.
because no one cares and that is all you really want. someone who loves you for who you are.
if you've read this far you probably know more about me then most of my friends