i have so much to say but the right words just aren't coming out.wasn't it like two posts ago i was talking about new beginnings and a new me, yet i go and do what i always do. get drunk and fuck things up. lovely.
Sometimes i can't believe this is my life. i don't know how i got here. how did i get to be the drunk bitch full of jelousy making her best friend miserable?
i can't even be bothered writing all the shit i caused on saturday night.
but i will tell you how it ended (after all the shit)
i was at this party and most people had left, but i was still off my face.
a guy i had talked to abit told me he was going for a walk and i joined him.
we ran to the beach. and talked abit more.
the view was amazing. lights of the city reflecting on the sea. and had this strange convo about how i was sad cause you couldn't see the stars and he said it didn't matter as the sea was best. but i disagreed. and we were talking about the stars and the sea. can't really remember how the convo went though.
and we went and sat on a rock. i stood up and started taking my clothes off and said lets go swimming ( typical slutty me) and he was like i have a girlfriend. woops.
but no it was a lovely time. we spent two or three hours talking about random stuff like what he wanted to be and our happiest memories etc.
when we walked home he said to me "you still haven't told me why your dad is an asshole" (i must have mentioned him when i was drunk). so i told him " my dad was abusive emotionally, physicaly and sexually".
it def caught him off guard. he pulled the usual wow you are so stong now and you know getting drunk and blah blah isn't the way to deal.
i really hate it when people say this.
and then he took me to his house and let me sleep in his bed as i had no way of getting home or where i was.
i was fine until i got home in the morning and i realised he is the first guy i have EVER told. i got really depressed. angry at myself for all the shit i caused, hating who i have become and sadned by the past that was brought up and sad that i told a random guy who i might never see again.
i didn't leave my bed for a day and a half. finally dragged myself out of bed today.
i need a reason to get up and keep trying, keep breathing but i haven't found one yet. I don't mean friends or family or a boyfriend. i mean what do i want to do with my life, accomplish. what do i want. all me. i don't want to live for anyone else.
Sometimes the past is too much and seems too hard. and i don't know what to do?
how do you get over abuse? can you get over it or do you just learn to deal with it?
because i don't think i can deal with it anymore, i need to get over it. it is always in the back of your mind. a part of you. the reason why you do everything you do. insecure, quiet, full of fear, acting slutty, numbing yourself with alcohol, drugs, anything to help you deal with daily shit.
because no one cares and that is all you really want. someone who loves you for who you are.
if you've read this far you probably know more about me then most of my friends
so ..
ive been there, ive accidentally blurted out parts of my past to a person i barely knew and let me just say that the only comfort i got was the fact that i would never have to see her face again . i would never have to see the look of pity in a strangers eye and even though that seems like a small consolation it does help some. especially if you arnt ready for your past to be known yet. as for if you can ever get over it, im not sure of that myself. i know its been years since my trauma and while i dont break down as much as i used to , i still think about it every day. it does hurt less over time and no matter what, your past is always going to be a part of you. its up to you i guess to decide how much of a part it will play in your life. sometimes it would be so much easier if our pasts were as erasable as an etch-a-sketch. one shake and poof, everything would vanish.
ReplyDeletei know you think that you there is no one that loves you but i 100 % love all of you girls on here. without judgment or reason i do love everyone on here because we are all stuck together. we are all hurting together and someday i know you will find someone in your everyday life that will love you for who you are and your past will be just that. the past. hang in there , i know sometimes everything can come crashing down but you need to be strong.
i dont know if you are interested but i recently joined a support site that has help for all kinds of trauma. its www.pandys.com
i just started so i dont know how helpful it will be but its a site with only survivors to help other survivors so they may be able to help with any questions you have on how to push past this.
stay strong
meg
*hugs
There isn't much I could say to make your past change but I'm so sorry that your dad was such an shit guy, you shouldn't of had to go through them things, and it really fucking sucks that you had to.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing I've learned in life is you can't live your future if your stuck in the past. you just gotta try your hardest to keep existing, stay in the present and try not too look back.
I dunno why I felt the need to comment, I think you remind me alot of myself. Drugs, alcohol, sex and parties. Relying on men when really you need to be able to learn to rely on your self, all because theres things that you wanna let go of but for some stupid reason just can;t let them go.
Life can suck beyond belief, but you gotta believe its gonna get better. I mean without dreams and hopes what else do we fucking have?! I genuinely believe the only people standing in our ways our ourselves.
Chin up girl, your beautiful! hope u feel better
Much Love
Princess.Smile :)
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